Four Dudes and a Table

[Little Stevie]

Four Dudes and a Table (from the New York Times)
By GAIL COLLINS
Published: February 22, 2012

The 20th Republican debate! I have now spent more time watching the Republican presidential candidates on television than two seasons of “Downton Abbey.” Perhaps it would be easier if Newt Gingrich wore a tuxedo.


Also, I am pretty sure the folks at Downton Abbey never spent an episode arguing about earmarks. Republicans, why are we still discussing earmarks? If the American people cared passionately about earmarks, wouldn’t they have elected John McCain?

My personal favorite debate moment on Wednesday night was when the candidates were asked to describe themselves in one word and Newt Gingrich said “cheerful.” Not an adjective you frequently hear when Newt is the topic, but you do appreciate the aspiration, particularly when Mitt Romney went for “resolute.”

Remember Newt Gingrich? Won the South Carolina primary? Now he’s an also-ran, and his latest solution to his dwindling poll numbers has been to buy time for an infomercial in which he sits behind a desk and talks about energy for 30 minutes. Newt has always had a touching faith in the attention span of the average voter.

Over on the other end of the table — exciting breakthrough, that table — was Ron Paul. He, too, has a new TV ad, directed at the youth of America, which begins with a picture of Rick Santorum. “Is this dude serious?” the announcer demands. “Fiscal conservative? Really?”

The ad then goes on to say that Santorum’s votes to raise the debt ceiling were “not groovy.” I am not an absolute expert on the speech patterns of young people, but I am feeling pretty confident that they do not use the word “groovy.”

Still, welcome back, Ron Paul! Good luck with that recount of the Maine caucus vote!

The prime seats at the center of the table went to Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum, one of whom is going to be the nominee for president of the United States.

Take your pick, Republicans. On one hand, the guy who once drove to Canada with the family dog strapped to the roof of the car. On the other, the guy who won his first Congressional race by criticizing his opponent for moving his family to Washington. And then later moved his own family to Washington, but said it didn’t count because the Senate was different from the House.

Much of the debate involved the two front-runners squabbling, and Santorum proved that even if the subject was rutabagas, he would still find a way to point out that Massachusetts passed its universal health care law when Mitt Romney was governor.

When the topic turned to a murky discussion of contraception, in which birth control pills seemed to get the blame for rising rates of unwed motherhood, Santorum suddenly said: “The whole reason this issue is alive is because of the bill that you drafted in Massachusetts, Romneycare.”

Romney then announced that everything — I think this included both unwed motherhood and the Obama health care reform — happened because Santorum had endorsed Arlen Specter for the U.S. Senate in 2004.

The Arizona crowd was totally on Romney’s side. This was no easy task, since it required a lot of booing and cheering at those obscure earmark arguments. But Mitt needed all the help he could get. He’s facing a must-win primary next week in Michigan, which is, of course, his home state. Along with Massachusetts and New Hampshire and California, where he has, um, homes. Michigan appears to be the only Romney home state where Romney does not have an actual residence.

In his attempts to make up for that oversight, Mitt has really been laying it on thick. “I love this state!” he told Michiganders at one campaign stop. “It seems right here! Trees are the right height!”

In another ploy to re-win the love of the state whose major industry he wanted to send into bankruptcy, Romney got Donald Trump to record robo-calls that will tell innocent Michigan phone answerers that Mitt Romney, is a “good man” while Rick Santorum, is a “career politician.”

Romney thinks Michigan voters will like him better because he has earned the respect of Donald Trump. A person who claimed he had to postpone plans to run for president himself and save the nation because of a conflict with the airing dates for “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Well, there’s always Santorum. The career politician! Actually, Trump was entirely unfair on this point — Santorum has been out of office since 2006, when he was defeated for re-election by one of the widest margins in American history.

Take your pick, Republican primary voters. If neither one works for you, there’s always Newt. Or Ron Paul. Some choice, dudes. Not groovy.