Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchanterlingum
I've been free of my family's direct influence for the last 15 years, and haven't even seen them for the last 5-6. I extended the invitation to come stay with me for a couple months to try to establish a relationship with them again. After 4 weeks of being around them, I guess I had a brief flashback to the inescapable tyranny I was under as a kid.
And speaking of invitations, it looks like I've been given one that I should take.
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Pardon me, but this sounds like a controlling mother. To many mothers, their children will always be children, and they address then as such when they are adults. It is difficult sometimes to get family to address you as an adult, no matter how much you earned the status of an adult. It is difficult for some people to let go of the power and authority that some think is a part of being a parent.
You may have thought that it would be nice to invite them so that they could see you as an adult; thus, a different type of relationship would be established. Sounds like it hasn't happened yet. It is time to put on the best show possible, show them a good time and spend as much time as possible with them showing them the success you have become. The point is to show them you are an adult (without saying so). Forget the girls for now, there will be time after they are gone. Just play the game, and tell them you are looking and that good women are hard to find. The key is don't screw up, you invited them: put on the dog and pony show for al long as it takes. You have been manipulated as a child; now is the time for you to control the situation. Take them out and buy the dinners, etc., even if you can't afford it. Look at this time as an investment in the future relationship with your family.
Some of this is difficult, you have to have expected it when you invited them.
There is a whole field of psychotherapy called Transactional Analysis that deals with this problem. Born to Win: Transactional Analysis With Gestalt Experiments by Muriel James and Dorthy Jogeward is recommended reading. The book deals with the interpersonal side of increasing our own productivity by addressing how we relate to others.
Usually, we can't change how other family members relate to us; but we can change ourselves.
In my own life, the study of TA helped me change the way I related to my children as they grew into adulthood.
It doesn't hurt to read about how others have solved their problems; maybe it relates to you, and maybe not. Take what you can use.
JR
relatives in town
