Let me help you

[IIFFOFRDB]

Boardman, How do you feel when you are driving down the freeway and see a dead kitty in the fast lane? Then a block or 2 later, you see another dead kitty. Maybe even a third one , farther down the road. Do you think some lowlife could be chunking them out of a vehicle at high speeds? I've always wondered about this. Would you like to catch the lowlife in the act and maybe throw him out of the vehicle?

[boardman]

I feel Fucking Awesome.

I mean I'm actually driving and I'm not one of those dead kitties.

I do get annoyed at times. So I wouldn't suggest just anyone lets their cat drive.

[Sweet N Little]

For those not in the know, Boardman was thrown in the slammer with his buddy while on a weekend excursion but he has made it home safe, though it was very difficult



First he had to sober up....



lets just say it took awhile ...




well..ok ..a long time..








luckily Wakeup was there to knock some sense into him ..



and finally he snaps out of it...





with a vengeance..





but then Wakeup starts fucking with him with distractions knowing he can't resist



then he starts begging for attention from the female prisoners even though freedom is moments away....




thinking he is going to get some he turns out the lights




only to realize ..uh that wasn't that kind of sucking he was expecting




realizing its time to go, he tells the guards..no hard feelings but he has to say goodbye..



because the other inmates keep fucking with him and he can't get any sleep





and plus..wakeup won't share his rations ..





(he whined about his being too small)..



even having to resort to stealing for a mere piece of catnip..





so finally he makes his escape ...





even getting a little help from the guard he made friends with..







he has to claw his way out ...





because going through the ceiling vents just wasn't going to work..



but thinking about what's waiting for him back home keeps him focused ..

This image has been resized. Click this bar to view the full image. The original image is sized %1%2.


and finally...he makes it to the other side...



only stopping once for a quick drink of water ..




and wishing he would not have accepted that ride ..




knowing full well they slipped him something unknowingly ..



pissed that wakeup has already made it back and probably hanging out with Dearhunter...



luckily being a ninja he could take the shortcut thru Htown Hoods with no fear..




gets his focus back...



and gets rid of all the evidence before arriving home ..




with a little help from UPS he arrives home..




even to tired for pussy..



though traumatized..and not feeling quite right..




He just wants some R & R ..






shoot a few hoops..



thinking of how his buddies will be amazed at his weekend aventure..




but its back to work, and no ones the wiser !!

[tedbear]

LOL !!!!
I like the way you think SNL.

[small package]

stolen from Blade78633



Missing Missy


Story goes : Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence…

Read from top to bottom….


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since
then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has
to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and
white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half
way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to
attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and
alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle,
calling out "Shannon, where are you?"



Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course,
drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to
leave at 1pm today.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the
photo of Missy is so small?



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this
and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo
bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you
understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome
constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text
messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and
attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of
Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say
Lost.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the
telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie
poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help
you. Thanks.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week but after he
dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have
attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a
photo of my cat.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several
violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and
says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind
legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a
costly veterinarian bill.
Regards, David.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that
there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks
Shan.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes
and I still have to make photocopies of it.




From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do

[boardman]

Fucking Awesome!!!

[Sweet N Little]

the Dog’s Diary

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He has obviously gone mad.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an Elevated Cell, so he is safe. For now.

[Sweet N Little]

I am a cat owner—and, despite what some would have you believe, this does not disqualify me from also being a functional penis owner. My cat, a black-and-white bundle of joy and silent judgment, hovers near me as I write this article, assuring me that she is both loyal and mildly active, two traits which dog enthusiasts insist cats are incapable of possessing.


They are only like this, like, 95% of the time.

However, having spent several years with my beloved pet, I’ve observed that a lot of her “cute” behavior probably springs from some rather dark impulses embedded in her nature. As such, I’ve compiled a brief list of situations one often experiences with a pet cat, and highlighted what I believe to be the disparity between what we think these situations indicate, and what is actually going on in the twisted psyche of our precious feline friends.

Read on. . .

Situation: You are teasing the cat with “tickles” and she reacts by gently nibbling on your hand.

You Think: Aw, what a sweet little angel. She wants to play with us. The little rascal is such a cute little basket of adorableness. Look at those little teeth!

She Thinks: I shall destroy you and everything that you love. I will wreak a terrible vengeance upon your life so horrible that you will pray for death long before your torment is over. As I lay enjoying my slumber, you think it amusing to disrupt my dreams of world domination with what you refer to as “tickle time”? May you regret the day you ever entered this world, you foul being.


Situation: Your cat has ventured outside and returned with the carcass of a dead mouse. It presents this to you.

You Think: Aw, what a cute little present! Dumb cat doesn’t know what that we don’t like mice.

She Thinks: This mouse suffered. It screamed. It begged for mercy, of which I am incapable. You will one day be subject to the same fate. You have been warned.


I napz now.


Situation: The cat is attacking a ball of yarn.

You Think: Aw, she’s playing! How neat!

She Thinks: I like to imagine that this is your head, which I shall decapitate with my sharp claws and killer instinct. It isn’t enough to merely end your life; I must also defile your rotting corpse. Beware.


Situation: There is a lightning storm outside. Your cat hides under the bed.

You Think: Oh, the poor wittle muffin is scared. What a sweetie-pie!

She Thinks: No…no…can it be? Have the Thunder Demons from Hell discovered me? I thought that I had left no trace when I escaped from Satan’s Kingdom, but it appears that his minions have tracked me down. I must conceal my presence—I feel only minor pity for those who stand in their way.


Situation: Your cat wakes you up in the middle of the night by meowing in your ear and pawing at your face.

You Think: Oh, my sweet little angel wants someone to play with her. Sorry little munchkin muffin, but I need my sleep.

She Thinks: I am a patient creature. My vengeance need not be swift; merely effective. By robbing you of several minutes of necessary rest at a time, I slowly break down your immune system until you are vulnerable to all manner of illness. This may take some time, but watching your slow demise will be worth it.


Situation: Your cat is sleeping, like, all the time.

You Think: Oh, wittle seepy girl needs her beauty seeps.

She Thinks: Seriously, get the hell away.

[pyramider]

boardman is a pussy.

[boardman]

Thancks for the affirmation...

[SofaKingFun]

Furry, too!

.

.

[boardman]

Get out there, meet other cat lovers and have fun!!!

Cat Camping Season Officially Opens


The Kitty Camping Season is officially off and running! The Association of Camping Kitties (ACK) has formally declared July as Cat Camping month.
ACK veterans like Brody and Herman need not be told. They know it will soon be time, time to hide (aka “pack”) the leashes and break out the kitty barbeque set.
Send your humans to the outdoor store for the squeeter juice and cat GORP and get ready for the wildest, craziest camping trip of your cats’ lives. It’s been a long, cold, hard winter, and we need some serious sleeping under the stars to try and forget it.
Ahh, the midnight meadow-mouse nature walks, the mornings blending into evenings lazing about in the tent, the visit from the campground peacock…

These camping expeditions really revive kittys’ batteries for another relentless year of cat 9-to-5.

[boardman]

It has recently come to my attention that my Editor in Chief, SnL has gone AWOL(Thancks, Three sides) and is no longer fulfilling her duties.
I will be taking over the sight for now and as our next installment I am posting this video on how to keep those pesky horny Tomcats away when your queen is in heat.

[jbravo_123]

This thread is full of win.

[Guest050715-1]

OMG, that had me crying! Poor kitties