Messy Play - Savage Love Column

[ElisabethWhispers]

One of my more guilty pleasures is reading the writings of Dan Savage, who I think is hilarious but also offers great advice from all sexual angles. This was an article that I read yesterday about messy play. It didn't sound like anything to be disturbed about unless you went the road of vomiting play, etc. And even then ... well, there is something for everyone out there!

So have you thought of bathing in a tub of jello? Food fight? Or like below, clay and mud?

The question and answer is below from Savage's archives. Would love to know your thoughts.

Elisabeth

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I am a 33-year-old married male who has a WAM—wet and messy—fetish. I'm into mud and clay. I have played with various substances in the bathroom by myself over the years. It always ends with me masturbating myself into oblivion, wishing there were someone with me so we could sensuously rub against each other, etc., until we both climax. But I'm always alone!

I was always too shy to share this fetish with anyone until three years ago, when I told the woman I've now been married to for two years. She assured me that I should never be ashamed of any of my fantasies and that she would be glad to help me fulfill them. But when I went and got some clay from the art store, showed it to her, and said that we were going to be having some fun, she acted uncomfortable. Once I got the bathtub full of the "mud," got naked, and started to coax her into the room, she totally freaked out.

Needless to say, I was mortified and disappointed, and there was $50 worth of clay in the tub that I didn't want to go to waste. So I locked her out and decided to try to make the best of it. This backfired because soon she was pounding on the door like she was jealous that I was in there pleasuring myself. I washed off, washed everything down the drain, and opened the door, but it was too late. She was angry and wouldn't say anything the rest of the day. Neither of us has spoken of it since.

I still have my fantasies, but now I feel I have to hide them. I have magazines and videos that I masturbate to, but it goes no further than that. So my questions are:
1. Am I some kind of a freak or weirdo?
2. Have you ever heard of this fetish before?
3. If so, why doesn't anyone else ever write to you about similar fetishes?
4. Will I ever be able to show this side of me to my wife, or should I just hide it from her forever?


Mis-Understood Dude
Let me get this straight: Three years ago you shared your fetish and fantasies with the woman you married two years ago, and your then non-wife assured you that she wanted to help you fulfill all of your fantasies—but she completely flipped out when you filled the tub with clay.

And 12 months later, you married her anyway?

I'm not endorsing the way you sprang a tub full of clay on your future wife—maybe she reacted badly because the bathroom was an unholy mess? Maybe you should've stopped everything and talked things through when she acted uncomfortable? Maybe the sight of you half-covered in mud and fully aroused was too much, too soon?—but why on earth didn't you get to the bottom of this before you married this woman?

Sounds to me like you really spooked the wife-to-be, MUD, both with that "Hey, here's a tub full of clay!" move and then, when she balked, by going right ahead with one of your solo mud-and-sex sessions instead of putting your orgasm on hold to, gee, go and inquire after the future wife's feelings about what just went down. At that moment, she may have concluded that given a choice between her and a tub full of clay, you would choose a tub full of clay—because that's just what you did... and yet she married you anyway.

People are fucking mysteries, man.

And in answer to your questions...

1. Yes, but your kinky weirdo freakiness is charming and harmless and not anything that you need to feel ashamed of, MUD.
2. Yes, yours is a relatively common fetish, MUD, one that exists on a continuum. Wet-and-messy play can involve substances that are harmless and represent a low barrier to entry for the loving, GGG, nonfetishist partner—mud, food, condiments, etc.—or substances that are not at all harmless and represent an impossibly high barrier to entry, e.g., shit, vomit, snot. Your kink could be much, much more problematic.
3. Other people have. Yours isn't the first letter I've run from/about a weirdo freak like you.
4. You already showed this side of yourself to the wife. She knows, you know she knows, but you're both pretending not to know what you damn well do know. To avoid becoming completely sexually estranged, TALK TO YOUR WIFE. Ask her what went wrong—how did she go from "never be ashamed... glad to help [you fulfill your fantasies]" to freaking out and pounding on doors and ignoring the mud-caked elephant in the room for more than three years?

Ask her to open up—beg her to open up—and apologize to her out of the gate for botching it, for rushing her, for being so insensitive as to prioritize the clay over her feelings after she freaked. And then tell her you want to be able to work on building a healthy, honest, and mutually satisfying sexual relationship, one that meets your needs and hers, but to do that you're going to have to start communicating with each other again.
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[Fancyinheels]

Hmmm, so I might want to ask BEFORE I drag a guy into the hot tub full of warm chocolate syrup and swab him with peanut scrub and whipped cream lather amid the floating marshmallow duckies?

Dang, there went my sundae.

[69]

Oh, hell no!!! That is one surprise that I doubt many men would balk at.

[ElisabethWhispers]

You are just SOMETHING, you know that! I'm planning a trip to Houston at some point in the near future. Hope to see you when I'm in town!!!

But I'm finding messy play to not be that easy to do. For example, and I know that I do not advertise it much, but I have NURU gel and a vinyl mat just READY for naughtiness. I haven't used it yet.

Not sure even if I dripped chocolate syrup on a guy if he would like it or not.

Thinking,
Elisabeth

[Adrielle]

When I was younger I saw a Real Sex episode that had footage of a sploshing party in Britian, and I've always wanted to try it. Maybe I'll steal Fancy's idea!

On another note, Elisabeth, I love Dan Savage. I used to pick up the local KC paper that runs his columns and read it during my lunch break. People would stare at me when I'd be hysterically laughing from my table. He has a great essay in the book Things I've Learned From the Women Who've Dumped Me, if you're ever looking for new reading material.

[ElisabethWhispers]

Adrielle,

I read his columns all of the time (or at least when I think of it!) on this site, which has his archived posts.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/S...e?archives=all

Now, I have a question for you. Sploshing party? What exactly is that?

Hugs,
Elisabeth

P.S. Thanks for the reading suggestion!

[Adrielle]

Sploshing is just another term for a wet and messy fetish. And the party that I saw on the show was pretty much just a group of people in a room filled with cakes, pies, baked beans, pudding, and every other messy food you can think of. It looked like it was a lot of fun.

The party was put on by Splosh! magazine, which is now no longer running but it does have a website, http://www.splosh.co.uk/.

[Willen]

I've never done this, but I suspect it is hard to pull off in practice. I've had sex on a beach a couple of times, and you have to be very careful to keep sand away from places it doesn't belong. Fancy's chocolate and peanut butter (so long as it's smooth, rather than chunky) really don't pose a problem, but I wonder about mud.

[loverman]

I had a Mistress that use to put mango sherbert on my nipples,cock and ass and would make her female sub lick it off me ,the sensation of the cold sherbert then the warm tounge and mouth afterwards was awesome Damm! I miss that.LOL!

[lilsmurf]

That was pretty hot Elisabeth...
WAM love it!

[Krunkman]

If you like Dan Savage, Mistress Matisse also has a regular column in the Stranger. She often talks about poly relationships (she's in one with two other men and another woman), BDSM, sex trade, and some of the very funny emails (or odd... depends on how you look at it) she gets from people. She also has her own Blogspot blog that is more BDSM/Lifestlyle related. Seattle definitely has a good alternative lifestyle community.