For the purposes of this post, I will refer to Doms as male and subs as female. That is obviously not uniformly true, but it is true for me, and simplifies my writing. Also, I want to stress, this is my version of Dom/sub play. I am neither arrogant nor naïve enough to think my way is the only or best way. I simply submit my own experiences and views with the hope that it may be interesting and helpful to others who may be on a similar path.
For those who asked for bondage photos, feel free to skip to the bottom of the post.
How I discovered I am a Dom
I had no idea I was Dominant, and had never been especially domineering in sexual activity. I was meeting with an insightful lady in another state (a frequent business travel location) who was, unknown to me, a submissive. She suggested I was a Dominant, and guided me in exploring this aspect of my sexuality. I am hugely grateful to her; in exploring Dom/sub play I have found greater satisfaction and deeper fulfillment than in any previous sexual experience. Her insight opened a door I did not know even existed.
My view of Dominance
I resisted the idea at first. I am a nice guy; I hear that frequently. I somehow thought being Dominant and “a nice guy” were incompatible. I am now convinced that without a foundation of respect for others, of honoring other’s values – in short, "a nice guy” – being a Dom would be impossible. To take on the responsibility of imposing my will on another, I must first respect, and deeply understand that other.
Of course, the obvious things are knowing the hard and soft limits of the sub, and awareness of any injuries or health issues in order to play safely. But to guide the play so that Dom and sub alike are satisfied, requires an understanding deeper than the obvious. I make no claim to be expert in this, but it informs every aspect of Dom/sub play for me. A Dom must take the time to make a connection, to develop chemistry, to have more than simply a casual relationship. I do not mean a life commitment to each other, but a friendship at least.
This then allows the Dom to do what he must do above all else; create an environment of trust, support and even tenderness. An environment of openness and honesty, free of inhibition, unfettered and without judgment. Much is made of the mantra; “Safe, Sane, Consensual”. And rightly so. But I take that for granted and to be obvious. The deeper task is to relate with the sub in such a way, that even when bound, experiencing pleasure and/or pain - fully under the control and will of the Dom, she knows deeply in her heart, that she is safe. And in that safety, may relax and be herself, perhaps more than at any other time.
I cannot leave the subject of Domination without touching on this: self control. A Dom without self control is, in my opinion, not a Dom but a thug. In the heat of the moment with intense emotions, the line between play and abuse can become perilously thin and, without self control, easily crossed. The issue of respect that I have belabored throughout this post is key in this regard. For me, self control is founded on respect for the one I am with. My emotions are held in check by always keeping the sub’s state in mind, along with my own; seeking the best experience for us both.
My view of submission
Submission comes from strength. Just as I reject the idea that “Dom” is another name for a thug, I reject the idea that a submissive is an abject weakling, taking whatever the Dom dishes out. In my experience, subs are strong, independent women, in “real life” they are typically: leaders, intelligent, capable, highly responsible persons. The submissive aspect of their sexuality allows them to relax into vulnerability (assuming an environment of trust exists), and experience a release from the stresses of life.
The courage it takes to offer the gift of submission is astounding to me. It makes the gift a precious treasure. For the hours we are together, she willingly submits her will to mine and regards herself as existing for my fulfillment and well being. Amazing. And this drives me, as a Dom, to greater respect, and greater concern for her fulfillment and well being.
In this way, I see the surface level power transfer from sub to Dom to be illusory. We play as I direct, with my will guiding our activities, with my authority (within agreed limits) unquestioned. But below the surface, it is about mutual fulfillment, mutual satisfaction, mutual growth. This is much more complex and nuanced than simply saying, as you sometimes hear, “the sub really is in control because she has her safe word”.
Dom/sub play
For me it is about; bondage, impact play, service and pleasure. I’ll not go into those here, but in general, in the course of our play, I see it as my responsibility to be continually aware of the state of the sub. Pushing, but with control; knowing when she is nearing a limit; recognizing and responding immediately if she is in trouble. I have never heard a safe word, I fervently hope I never will. But, should we push a scene too far, safe word or not, then our roles of Dom and sub are instantly dropped and my primary responsibility becomes assuring her safety, comforting her with reassurance, tenderness and affection.
All Dom/sub play starts with detailed planning, in my case, obsessively detailed I will freely confess. It is not so much that the entire session is scripted, but more like the score for a great jazz performance. Having the score provides a structure upon which to improvise. So I am not bound to the detailed plan, but guided by it. Honestly, without a detailed plan, while amidst the intense stimulation of Dom/sub play, I would feel adrift and uneasy. Others subscribe to a fully spontaneous approach. Perhaps they are more experienced than I, or just process things mentally in a different way than I do, but the planning is essential to me.
All Dom/sub play ends with recovery time. The hours together are structured to slowly raise the intensity of the experience. After reaching a climax (literally and figuratively) I plan at least 30 minutes to do nothing more than lay beside each other, tired, content and relaxed. In this time no words are required, but I usually enjoy a review of our activities. I want feedback on what was special, what was not, when was a limit approached, etc. This all goes into planning the next time.
Perhaps it should be obvious, but it needs to be said: BDSM play and impaired judgment are incompatible. It is a recipe for disaster. I cannot say I never drink in the course of a scene, but only in carefully controlled moderation. I enjoy having a sub prepare a cocktail for us to enjoy, but I intentionally keep to recipes that are very low in alcohol content.
Feed back I get from my partners
Except for those first experiences, the subs I have connected with have had little experience with Dom/sub play. I am not sure why it has worked out that way. But that being true, it is has been my pleasure and honor to help them explore this aspect of their sexuality. Also, there have only been a few; as I see my responsibility as a Dom, it would be impossible to connect deeply enough with more than a few. I have had several first meetings in which no chemistry was there, and I have not tried to force a relationship.
The experience of the subs has been positive. Typical comments include what I have written above, the release from stress and the fulfillment of discovering and exploring this aspect of themselves.
With regard to bondage, impact play, service and pleasure; I hear them speak of a deep relaxation in giving themselves over to vulnerability as they are in bondage, of being surprised that impact play is not primarily about intense pain, that in focusing on serving me, they can let go of personal worries and stresses, and that the pleasure is gratifying and sometimes surprisingly intense.
What it means to me
Being a southern gentleman by birth and heritage, I was stunned to discover the pleasure I derive from tying up a woman. It is complicated, but two aspects are worth mentioning. First, the beauty of rope bondage is highly pleasing to me. Starting with something as fundamentally beautiful as the female form, and framing that beauty in my rope: it touches an artistic sensibility I did not know I had. And second, the sense of power, of placing a sub in a vulnerable position, bound so that she is totally under my control: that is powerfully erotic to me.
And then, chivalrous gentleman that I am, to find that striking a woman with paddles and floggers was even more powerfully erotic to me was . . . well, at first it frightened me. But as I learned how to do it with skill, keeping the sensory load under control and taking plenty of time to slowly build the intensity; in this too I discovered artistry.
I could go on, but mercifully I will not. Simply said, Dom/sub play has opened a deeper, more meaningful experience of sexuality to me than any previous experience.
A couple of my rope work photos are included below. In the first one, a rope flogger of my own making is draped across her shoulder.
This post ended up being more about the philosophy of Dom/sub play than about the practice of it. If there is interest, I can follow up with posts on the four categories of play I mentioned above: bondage, impact play, service and pleasure.
I welcome your comments, disagreement and dialog.
BDSM, Dom/sub play, rope bondage, and philosophy
My Bio Page - Texas - Houston
My Bio Page - Texas - Dallas
Practice makes perfect...
