The fantasies I had as a teenager usually had me being the submissive. I didn't have a name for it back then. It was just part of my fantasy life. The same way being with barbara eden was part of my fantasy life. I knew it wasn't going to happen. It just was.
Funny thing about fantasies, though. They don't go away. At least mine didn't. I tried to pursue them with my wife, but it was a no-go. Not only was it a no-go, but she was very judgmental. Granted, in every day life, I wouldn't say I am dominant, but I don't get pushed around either. So she just couldn't see me in that sub role. Her name calling was quite insulting and hurtful. You know the words--pervert, weirdo, etc.
I tried to put them in the closet. But as time wore on and I got older I began thinking about being true to myself. I wish I would have found someone outside this P4P realm to play with, but this seemed easier. So here I am today. Letting go of my inhibitions a little at a time with people who are almost strangers and finding an incredible bond of intimacy with them. Even though I presume that intimacy is one sided.
It's more fulfilling than not experiencing it at all; but because it is P4P there is a hollowness within which doesn't completely disappear (at least it hasn't for me--yet.) But I forge ahead cause I'd rather experience something and regret it, than wonder about it for eternity.
|
