Should I stay married or get divorced

[London Rayne]

Inmypants, thanks for the pm and I wish you nothing but the best in your journey.

Sarunga, YGM.

[bwill]

Try to make it work. If you don't think you can, imagine your baby calling the next guy your wife marries 'Dad', because that's what will happen. Maybe that will motivate you a bit more to find a way to make it work.

[Sarunga]

Originally Posted by inmypants44

I appreciate all the feedback.

To those who felt this was a shallow attempt at justification. It indeed was the opposite. Sometimes when you have an idea in your head that you feel is pretty irrational you lay it to people who have gone through it already, and it helps bring you back to your senses.

For the record I was never looking at someone to say, "dump the bitch." I was hoping in this to find folks (which I did) who encouraged me to stay married, because they divorced previously at it in fact was not better.

Sure I could talk to a therapist about all this, but in my opinion who better to talk about it than people who have a high probabilty of already going through it.

Anywho, I have decided to take portions of this advice. I will be staying with my wife, and we will work it out. I think the communication piece was something I was embarrassed to do, but now I know it is necessary.

Thanks!

Glad to hear this. Looks like you do have a pretty good head on your shoulders.

Yes, "communication is the key" to ANY relationship. Whether it's between husband-and-wife, boyfriend-and-girlfriend, parent-and-child, teacher-and-student, employer-and-employee, provider-and-hobbyist, etc.

In some of these relationships...perhaps even in all...it can be embarrassing to initiate the communication...but once you start the process....it gets to be a lot easier. And that is the beginning of really understanding each other....which would do wonders to the relationship.

I learnt this the hard way when my relationship to my first love broke down. I still feel that we could have made it work, had our communication been good. Anyway, since then, I have tried to practice this every chance I get.

So, give it a very good try. I'm sure it'll help.

Good luck with your life.

[The G.O.A.T]

Ok. I couldn't read all this shit but a wise man once said, "It's cheaper to keep her."
A wife? With a child? Even if you get joint custody, you're fucked. And not that kinky way you're looking for. Reevaluate that shit in six-nine months. If you still want out. Get counseling. If that don't work. See your priest. If that don't work. Fuck it. Get the divorce and you WON'T have money to hobby.

But like someone said earlier. Is she hot? Maybe I'll take her, and we can live off your alimony. Then your kid'll a be calling me daddy in in a couple of years. How ya like that?

[aznlvr11]

Yes, communication is very important. It is many times difficult. Sometimes things go to hell anyway, but if you never try to communicate, it is a guaranteed trip. I will reiterate, NEVER tell her you cheated. That is a one way conversation that will never lead to anything good. Trust will be broken and can never be fully recovered. Women will never let you live that down (or anything else you ever did wrong - it's just the way they are and part of dealing with them). If she has cheated, it's better not to know.

[Seedy]

Originally Posted by The G.O.A.T

Ok. I couldn't read all this shit but a wise man once said, "It's cheaper to keep her."
A wife? With a child? Even if you get joint custody, you're fucked. And not that kinky way you're looking for. Reevaluate that shit in six-nine months. If you still want out. Get counseling. If that don't work. See your priest. If that don't work. Fuck it. Get the divorce and you WON'T have money to hobby.

But like someone said earlier. Is she hot? Maybe I'll take her, and we can live off your alimony. Then your kid'll a be calling me daddy in in a couple of years. How ya like that?

GOAT, you are a head rush bud, LOL. I know this is serious shit but it sounds like you brought it on yourself OP.. good luck, do the right thing for your child, there'ws too many fucked up kids as it is, don't contribute another one...

[Sarunga]

Originally Posted by aznlvr11

Yes, communication is very important. It is many times difficult. Sometimes things go to hell anyway, but if you never try to communicate, it is a guaranteed trip. I will reiterate, NEVER tell her you cheated. That is a one way conversation that will never lead to anything good. Trust will be broken and can never be fully recovered. Women will never let you live that down (or anything else you ever did wrong - it's just the way they are and part of dealing with them). If she has cheated, it's better not to know.

I completely agree with what is in red.

However, I disagree with what is in blue. Stating that, "it's just the way they [women] are".....if that is what you are saying aznlvr11.....is an unfair generalization. We are all human...and we make mistakes....irrespective of whether it's the husband or wife. Admitting to wrong-doing is an honorable thing....a way of being responsible for our actions....and if done in the proper context could in fact strengthen the relationship. Then, trying one's best to correct the wrong and being able to forgive....could bring two people closer.

[irishlad]

I'll tell it to you straight.

Once the baby came along, the marriage stopped being for you.

Now all of your decisions have to be based on the answer to the question "what is best for my child". It takes a team to raise a kid right, so suck it up and make the marriage work. If doing right by the kid means never having sex again (lets hope it doesn't come to that) than that is what you should do.

Now of course if you end up miserable and bitter and at war with your wife, that's not much of an environment for a kid to grow up in and you may have to bail, but you don't sound there yet.

As of 7 months ago the marriage stopped being for you.

[Guest032414-2]

Originally Posted by inmypants44

I appreciate all the feedback.

To those who felt this was a shallow attempt at justification. It indeed was the opposite. Sometimes when you have an idea in your head that you feel is pretty irrational you lay it to people who have gone through it already, and it helps bring you back to your senses.

For the record I was never looking at someone to say, "dump the bitch." I was hoping in this to find folks (which I did) who encouraged me to stay married, because they divorced previously at it in fact was not better.

Sure I could talk to a therapist about all this, but in my opinion who better to talk about it than people who have a high probabilty of already going through it.

Anywho, I have decided to take portions of this advice. I will be staying with my wife, and we will work it out. I think the communication piece was something I was embarrassed to do, but now I know it is necessary.

Thanks!

Glad to see you took everyone's comments to heart. Love is something that evolves over time.

It will take you a lot of internal reflection as well as being able to talk to a counselor, priest, etc. As others have said, this is more about your child than it is about you. You said your wife is your best friend, that's how it should be. It may sound sappy or trite, but would you give yourself to save her life? As long as you can say yes to that question on a daily basis, you love her...regardless of how you may feel temporarily. That's not to say you need to ask yourself that, but my SO will always be more important to me than my life is.

[enderwiggin]

Originally Posted by dearhunter

How hot is your wife?

That's what I'm saying. Maybe she IS a freak and you don't know it because you've been too busy "loving her as a friend" instead of loving her like the sweat-hog she could be.

[dearhunter]

Does this mean photos are out of the question?

[Sarunga]

Originally Posted by Diomidis

It may sound sappy or trite, but would you give yourself to save her life? As long as you can say yes to that question on a daily basis, you love her...regardless of how you may feel temporarily. That's not to say you need to ask yourself that, but my SO will always be more important to me than my life is.

Wow....now this is true love.

I do have a question though. Do you hobby?

[Guest032414-2]

Originally Posted by Sarunga

Wow....now this is true love.

I do have a question though. Do you hobby?

Yes and not long after beginning 3 years ago, I had to give myself a reality check and come to terms with it. It was difficult, I had lots of guilt and pain as I imagined the possible impact this could have on her. There are a lot more details on this that I don't feel right discussing on ECCIE.

Suffice it to say that what I do here doesn't have any affect on my love (and desire) for my wife. I am; selective with who I see, careful about the activities, and pulling from funds that don't affect my personal finances.

It may not be for everyone and opinions (and judgment) may vary, but I do everything in my power to make sure my wife will never be hurt by this. "They stray to stay" is an oversimplification, but it's on the right track as to why a very happily married man, like myself, would choose to hobby.

[aznlvr11]

Originally Posted by Sarunga

I completely agree with what is in red.

However, I disagree with what is in blue. Stating that, "it's just the way they [women] are".....if that is what you are saying aznlvr11.....is an unfair generalization. We are all human...and we make mistakes....irrespective of whether it's the husband or wife. Admitting to wrong-doing is an honorable thing....a way of being responsible for our actions....and if done in the proper context could in fact strengthen the relationship. Then, trying one's best to correct the wrong and being able to forgive....could bring two people closer.

Yes, it can... to an extent. It also depends on the other person. My experience, my opinion. Not necessarily valid for everyone.

[Sarunga]

Originally Posted by Diomidis

Yes and not long after beginning 3 years ago, I had to give myself a reality check and come to terms with it. It was difficult, I had lots of guilt and pain as I imagined the possible impact this could have on her. There are a lot more details on this that I don't feel right discussing on ECCIE.

Suffice it to say that what I do here doesn't have any affect on my love (and desire) for my wife. I am; selective with who I see, careful about the activities, and pulling from funds that don't affect my personal finances.

It may not be for everyone and opinions (and judgment) may vary, but I do everything in my power to make sure my wife will never be hurt by this. "They stray to stay" is an oversimplification, but it's on the right track as to why a very happily married man, like myself, would choose to hobby.

I must say, this is a very interesting discussion....probably more of a philosophical one....that I would just love to have with you. But considering the privacy issues, we probably cannot have a good one. I do know of another member, who hobbies and loves his SO in a similar manner...in fact, I believe he met his SO through hobbying.

Well, I've never done it....that is, hobby while having a SO that I would be loving to this extent (or no extent)....so, I really wouldn't want to form an opinion about your situation.

Considering my relationships, I have probably felt this kind of true love only during certain phases....but never throughout. And it's highly commendable that you manage to sustain this kind of selfless love throughout your relationship. It must be a VERY SPECIAL bond between you and your wife. My best wishes to you and your wife for ever lasting true love.

It really feels good to know such love can exist between two human beings.