http://www.theonion.com/articles/tig...-by-sex,17227/
Tiger Woods Followed Everywhere At Masters By Sex Addiction Sponsor
APRIL 9, 2010 | ISSUE 46•14
AUGUSTA, GA—Sources close to Tiger Woods confirmed Friday that, due to the large number of women expected to attend this year's Masters, the top-ranked golfer has requested that his Sex Addicts Anonymous sponsor, 42-year-old recovering sexaholic Dave Gilecki, be at his side at all times during the tournament.
The unshaven Gilecki, whose on-course attire consists of a pair of blue jeans and a Hard Rock Café Orlando T-shirt, has been shadowing Woods everywhere at Augusta National: at the practice tee, on the putting green, between the tournament ropes, and anywhere a woman might be present.
"Let's just put it this way," Woods said Monday during a press conference at which a silent Gilecki sat next to him. "I need Dave."
"He's someone I can share my journey with," he added.
Woods' sex addiction sponsor has reportedly agreed to provide the four-time Masters champion with one-on-one counsel during his crucial recovery phase. Though not much is known about Gilecki, he appears to be a chain-smoker with no understanding of proper golf decorum—he often suffers loud coughing fits on the course in the middle of other golfers' backswings, and has been known to shout, "Tiger, buddy, I'm right over here if you need me" during other golfers' backswings. Nonetheless, he appears to be an essential component of Woods' return to the game.
A spokesperson for Sex Addicts Anonymous said Gilecki's constant support, both verbal and nonverbal, would introduce Woods to a process of nonsexual normalization in social situations, demonstrating to Tiger that he does not have to turn to sex for personal validation while playing in the Masters.
"Basically, if he sees someone in the crowd he wants to rub up against or something, he just tells me how much he wants to do it, we breathe together, and then we move on to the next shot," Gilecki said before Woods could stop his sponsor from talking to members of the media. "That's called speak and release. They teach us that."
According to observers, a somewhat flustered Woods sought Gilecki's guidance at various points during his weekday practice rounds. And prior to teeing off Thursday, Woods was overheard whispering, "Dave, get over here," when a blonde spectator in her early 30s extended her hand for a high five. Gilecki watched Woods greet the fan, and afterward patted the superstar on his back and said, "You're okay, bro. You're fine. Breathe."
"During our round he kept telling Tiger to put his blinders on and ‛ignore all the tail,'" playing partner Matt Kuchar said. "And when I was trying to putt he would yell 'No sex eyes!' Whatever that means."
Continued Kuchar, "Is he going to be here all season?"
When Woods appeared to come unhinged during his first tournament round, gallery members said that Gilecki was overheard giving the 14-time major champion little nuggets of advice, including "Focus," "Easy, buddy," and "She's not worth it, man. We know what she is. She's just another piece."
After putting out and signing his scorecard Thursday, Woods immediately left with Gilecki for a "quick meeting" at the Augusta Community Center.
Gilecki and Woods reportedly met at the Mississippi sex rehabilitation clinic where Woods spent 45 days earlier this year. Gilecki, who said he is currently unemployed but "manages to get by," is believed to have struck up a bond with Woods based on a similar taste in cocktail waitresses, porn stars, escorts, and music.
Gilecki acknowledged he has never played a round of golf in his life.
"I think old Tiger here has come a long way, and will definitely be able to keep it in his pants the whole weekend," said Gilecki, adding that since arriving at the Masters, Woods has called him several times at night just to talk. "I will say, though, there are a lot of women out here on this golf course. More women than I thought there would be, actually. Tan women in skirts and tight, sleeveless shirts. The kind of shirts where you can sort of see their bra straps peeking out."
"We're helping each other. He helps me as much as I help him, you know," added Gilecki, wiping sweat away from his forehead. "Man, there are seriously a lot of women out here."
Though Woods wouldn't specify how long he intends to keep Gilecki by his side, he told reporters the sponsor would be traveling with him to St. Andrews in Scotland for the British Open, and would most definitely be with him during any PGA Tour stop in Las Vegas.
At press time, Woods appeared to be in need of Gilecki more than ever.
"Dave? Where's Dave? Seriously, where the fuck is he?" a visibly agitated Woods was shouting on the eighth tee as Gilecki emerged from a portable toilet on the course. "Thank God, Dave. Thank God you're here."
I will say that we played the course this morning and they had moved the tees back to the members length and had changed all pin placements and I shot 78 and had to work my azz off to get this.
Glad you had a good time asshole and even moreso that you got to place the course showoff .
