Never use self-tanner to beat off: a cautionary tale

[alluringava]

This is taken verbatim from another site I posted on:

And yes I was the escort :P.

Okay, so I entertained a client this early evening ( it has been SO cold here in Reno) and having lots of candles and a fireplace ( we were actually lying in front of the fireplace all bundled up...I just felt it was more romantic that way. We began with a nice massage and everything, and he was pretty nervous so he was having a hard time...well, you know, the hour was turning out to be a flop if you know what I mean.
I had several bottles of lotions and gels for our mutual massage and one of them happened to be a bottle of self-tanner, one of the ones for darker skin like mine. Since I started getting the Crystal fractional laser done to my face, I can no longer lie out in the sun or go to any tanning bed ( yeah I know, my bad, but I hate being pale) so I found this really cool Jergens Lotion self-tanner/lotion combo. Now this stuff is DARK since I'm already medium toned to begin with, so on a fair-skinned person you'd be the color of a walnut.
The client asked me to do a sexy dance and he wasn't really thinking about what he was using when he was um, beating off. I danced around in front of the fireplace like a sexy gypsy even with a jeweled scarf and everything. I had no idea at this time that he was using the self tanner. It was in a box of lotions and oils that I keep under my bathroom sink.
So he had his own happy ending and as most men do he washed his hands.
And then....and then....
Four hours later he called me in a horrible panic wanting to know why his dick turned a dark coppery orange. He thought I had given him a disease. I said " You never stuck it in and there was that condom. " And then it donned on me. I asked him what 'lotion' or 'lube' he was using to masturbate with and he said, " This big beige tube. It was too dark to see I figured it was just plain lotion."
Um, no, I said, ' that was extra dark self-tanning lotion."
He shrieked again and said, " Oh shit, oh shit, what am I going to tell my wife why my damn dick is now such a weird color?"
I said, tell her you went to a tanning salon ( because he does) and your dick fell out of your underwear and got burned."
After calming down, he thought about it. "Okay that makes sense." He stopped hyperventilating and got calmer, and then thanked me and hung up.
Sheesh. I swear I'll have so many stories to tell the old folks at the retirement home when I get old enough to get there. " I used to be a whore and...." and the stories will begin

[LaStang]

my dick turned orange once but that was from eating cheetos and watching porn ....... oops was that out loud ?

[pyramider]

The Cheetos and porn thing are common.

[Ed Highlight]

The whole story has nightmare written all over it after "he was having trouble" - With YOU in the room doing "sexy dance" in front of the fireplace?? Sheeesh!! No way!!

3 sides, pass the Cheetos...

[shorty]

Well Damn!! I thought by putting on the Extra Dark Tanning Lotion, it would make make Short Fella look like a Alabama Black Snake!!

[Chica Chaser]

Originally Posted by alluringava

I swear I'll have so many stories to tell the old folks at the retirement home when I get old enough to get there. " I used to be a whore and...." and the stories will begin

Hilarious Ava!

[alluringava]

Originally Posted by Chica Chaser

Hilarious Ava!

Thank God I told him to tell his wife " tell her your 'dick slipped' out and got burned' and it's a good damn thing he washed his hands well. Orange palms, anyone?!!!!!!!

[alluringava]

Originally Posted by Ed Highlight

The whole story has nightmare written all over it after "he was having trouble" - With YOU in the room doing "sexy dance" in front of the fireplace?? Sheeesh!! No way!!

3 sides, pass the Cheetos...

You just wait til I get my hands on you soon.....and no self-tanner hahahaaa!!!!

[alluringava]

Originally Posted by LaStang

my dick turned orange once but that was from eating cheetos and watching porn ....... oops was that out loud ?

You beat off with orange cheeto dust on your hands LOLOL

[Relaxer]

A very funny story...at least to the rest of us! Good thing Alluring Ava didn't have a tube of Ben-Gay!

[Ed Highlight]

Originally Posted by alluringava

You just wait til I get my hands on you soon.....and no self-tanner hahahaaa!!!!

Don't forget the Cheetos!!!!

[pyramider]

Originally Posted by Ed Highlight

Don't forget the Cheetos!!!!

Ava, be sure to bring the hot Cheetos for Ed. I am confident it will spice up his session in ways that even you could not match.

[pickupkid]

tff.......just like the movie American Pie and super glue

[parkerplayer]

Great story! I would love to hear his side and what his wife said! Then again, my guess is he could just leave the lights off for a while and not have to worry about it with wifey.

[Flyboy182]

I just wonder....how long does it take for that to wear off?