Opinion please: trust vs. mistrust, when and how

[stikiwikit]

Here is the story. I am soliciting input due to inexperience, niavete, and stupidity. I have been seeing a woman professionally for over 6 years. During this time we have established some sort of an undefinable "relationship" as would be expected for such prolonged and continuous contact. In addition, I have been with her through various life events and traumas, her mother's death, her marriage, her kitty's cancer, etc. Also, because she was sort of a friend and I had an interest in keeping her in the business, I have been generous with gifts, in particular Christmas and birthdays, the two latter being a gift card to this place and that, all the time expecting nothing in return because they are "gifts" not exchanges.

Well, the rubber hit the road last week. In six or more years of seeing her, I forgot to leave a payment. By the time I got home, about 15 minutes, I had a phone call requesting that I come back immediately and pay her.

Here is the crux. I have probably given her 1200 to 1500 in cash over the years, not to mention various gifts of flowers, wine, etc. I would think that after that time some degree of trust would have been built up so that the attitude would have been, say, "pay me next time I see you", or,"drop by some time at your convenience", or even, " you have made it up with your generosity, this one is on me."

I feel that after all this time that I have earned some degree of trust that I will take care of things,which I would, but now it appears that all my endeavors have been for nothing.

Thiis is important for me because my inclination at the moment is to walk away and never see her again. The" issue "here ( it is not a "problem "at all) is that I really have no place to go, no one to take her place because of various personal factors.

I would appreciate your input here re: what more rational minds would do, especially any ladies that might give the "provider" slant. Thank you for your time and opinions. J.

[rockerrick]

That sucks , should there have been trust to take care of it next time , or hey even tomorrow ? Probably so ! But unfortunately it seems with the length of your interactions , you forgot what it is , and likely always will be . It's about the money ! Always ! Accept that , and keep seeing her if you like , but always remember the facts !

[Still Looking]

I have ONLY forgot to pay ONE time. It was not long ago. I drove back immediately. I was embarrassed. She totally forgot and tells me she had such a good time she didn't realize it! But this was on a first time meeting. An ATF like your speaking.... I'd send her packing. I'd be offended!

[chipsandsalsa]

You got your feelings hurt; pure and simple, but by your own definition, you have been carrying on an "undefinable" relationship...and you are "assuming" alot in the relationship...

You have been generous with gifts, time, and money, yet you are "assuming" this should grant you some extra lee-way in the relationship...

Your entire relationship is based on money...her needing it, and you needing to give it to her...

Yet after six years, you would think that the lady would give you a little slack in the "forgot the payment" dept...

But maybe that was the eye-opener that you needed, to bring you back down to earth in the realization you are in a pay for play relationship...

Don't ever let yourself feel like you have no one else to see or no where else to go, maybe you have stepped in too deep and need to back out and re-examine your relationship with this lady; from what you have stated, she seems to be comfortable with your gifts and time and money, but you may be expecting more...

Time to sit down and talk about it together...and good luck to you, let her know you got your feelings hurt, the key in any relationship whether it is pay for play, sugar daddy, or even civilian relationships is communications...

Sit down and talk it out, and you may be surprised what answers come about...

[nuglet]

the advice offered so far is correct. She's as much a "girlfriend" as the next one you pay will be..
It's not that there's "not a chance" but if she actually called you about being paid.. well, there's your answer.. She's "into you" just that much.. or into your bill-fold

[Qziz]

To be a little more positive, it could be she was depending on your donation to pay bills, especially if you visited her on a regular schedule.

[boobs mcgee]

well your relationship is based on payment, whether you choose to believe it or not. no payment no relationship, at least, that is what is evident in her eyes.

if you want the relationship to be more, then tell her. of course she will expect a raise.

if you don't care about the relationship, then either pay her and cancel her for future meetings forever, or don't pay her and suffer the non-payment blacklisting she will ultimately do to you.

if you feel offended then just move on - who cares what she thinks, because in reality while you care about her, she doesn't care about you.

[Simply Alisha]

Do you have a right to be upset?....yes and no.

A little story....

I had a regular once that I was seeing monthly for almost 10 years. Our normal date consisted of him calling me up and saying...."Ok, pencil us in for November 10th. I'll call when I'm on my way".

What that meant for both of us was that I would be ready at 7am and he would show up whenever he damned well pleased. If that was at 9am, that was fine...if it was 6pm, that was fine, too. Most I would get was an hour warning...lol. Bottom line of it though, every date I was paid my full day rate. It didn't matter how long we were together.

We could spend 1- 15 hours together at a time. We knew each other inside and out (no pun intended). We were there for each other through the death of his mother, his divorce, a cancer scare, and the list goes on. And he was there for me, too. Thick and thin. Deep down, I loved him dearly. And he loved me. I was truly his best friend. The only person in his life he could discuss ANYTHING with. I have had few relationships in this hobby where I have allowed someone to get that close to me. Honestly, I only have had one other since....and I'm hanging onto that one for dear life.

One time, he forgot to leave the donation. It happened to be the time he finally grieved for his mom's death. I was so emotionally exhausted from his breakdown and the crying we did together, I honestly didn't even notice it. I got an email the next day apologizing for the mistake. My response...no biggie. I'll see you next month. I left it completely open ended. I didn't even say he owed me anything. In my eyes, it all came out in the wash. When I saw him 3 weeks later, he gave me 2 envelopes. We never addressed the issue.

But....we just had that kind of relationship. He trusted me, and I trusted him. The time came when it was time for him to move on....without me. We didn't split with drama, heartaches, or headaches. He hit a turning point in his life where he needed to move forward without me. It hurt...but I respected his decision. And I still miss him to this day.

The end.....

Personally, if I had invested that much time and money in a lady....I would be a bit hurt, as well. And I don't think she handled it the right way. If you two have that much invested into each other, the least she could do was give you the opportunity to get it to her as soon as you could. Not demand it "right now".

But, the bottom line is, there is still the business aspect of the "relationship". And that is obviously more important to her than the big picture. And I'm sure she'll be kicking herself in the ass if/when you end it.

Alisha...xoxo

[Mueller]

1200-1500 in cash over 6 years? Is that for sessions or for tips?

[Simply Alisha]

Originally Posted by Mueller

1200-1500 in cash over 6 years? Is that for sessions or for tips?

I read it as being "on top of" the regular session rates. Like maybe she ended up with an unexpected car repair and he helped her out. But I could be wrong.

~A~

[Toyz]

It might have been as simple as she had those funds earmarked for a neccesary bill that she needed to pay that day.

I would let a bit of time elapse & see if cooler heads don't prevale...

But, Whispers is right...this ain't show friends, its show business...you can MAXIMIZE the relationship, but you aren't married...and if you think about it hard, do you want to be?

[cyrick]

Happened to me once (recently), but it was someone I had only seen once before. I realized it, sent her a text and returned. That being said, I felt like had I not remembered and she realized it, it would have been fine to bring it to her later, or at our next meeting (could be totally off on this but I don't think so). We both had somewhere to be shortly after the time we spent together (we were both late). Shit happens.

That being said, the "relationship" is what it is, regardless of whether you have seen each other for 2 weeks or 2 years. If I were you, I wouldn't be upset and keep the perspective you should. Unless it has actually been discussed that sometimes that situation may occur. Ultimately, it is not a big deal. Make amends and move on. It's not something that should negatively affect either of you going forward. The gifts don't matter. They were gifts. That being said, I only repeat with a select few and only those I feel i have some sort of connection with (or just incredible experiences). Even with those, I know where I stand ultimately and don't expect anything more than what it is.

Keep your perspective. Realize it is what it is. It makes everything easier.

[Whispers]

Originally Posted by stikiwikit

Well, the rubber hit the road last week. In six or more years of seeing her, I forgot to leave a payment. By the time I got home, about 15 minutes, I had a phone call requesting that I come back immediately and pay her.

She was obviously VERY good at building the illusion and you saw more than as there. You are nothing more than a customer to her and "NOW" is trumping any "history" you built.

She provided a service and had the right to expect payment.


Business is business.....

Originally Posted by stikiwikit

Here is the crux. I have probably given her 1200 to 1500 in cash over the years, not to mention various gifts of flowers, wine, etc. I would think that after that time some degree of trust would have been built up so that the attitude would have been, say, "pay me next time I see you", or,"drop by some time at your convenience", or even, " you have made it up with your generosity, this one is on me."

You had no real right to expect that.

What you have discovered is simple. YOU read more into the relationship than she did.

Originally Posted by stikiwikit

I feel that after all this time that I have earned some degree of trust that I will take care of things,which I would, but now it appears that all my endeavors have been for nothing.

Exactly what were you "endeavoring" to do?

Originally Posted by stikiwikit

This is important for me because my inclination at the moment is to walk away and never see her again.

Why? Has there been any degredation in service? Don't lay this on her because you became a wuss and developed "feelings".

Originally Posted by stikiwikit

The" issue "here ( it is not a "problem "at all) is that I really have no place to go, no one to take her place because of various personal factors.

I would appreciate your input here re: what more rational minds would do, especially any ladies that might give the "provider" slant. Thank you for your time and opinions. J.

I'm gonna bet there are a few ladies reading what I have to say and wondering if my account got hacked.

Suck it up man, Apologize and keep seeing her if she will have you. If you have unique needs that she met it might not be worth starting that search anew.

If she has read this than you may have created a level of uncomfortableness that you will not overcome.

All this time, all those years, didn't SHE deserve the right for you to discuss this with her personally rather than in an open forum?

Business is Business Man and from the sound of it you have had an incredible relationship with a lady very professional and adept at giving you what you wanted.

There seems to be no foul here other than you thought you were special.

Welcome to John 101. You are just a "trick". No matter WHAT you think.

Now.

COULD she have handled it in a better fashion? Yeah probably. But she certainly had no obligation to do so.

[Guest102513-1]

I have been going to the same grocery store for 6 years. I know the general manager, many of the employees....and they have done a great job of making me feel welcome and taking care of my grocery needs.

However, if I were to go up there now, and put $$$ of groceries in my cart, get to the check out counter and forgot my wallet....I'm thinking I will have to return for my groceries another time.

Not exactly an apples to apples comparison, but close enough

[GneissGuy]

Happy birthday. You just got a really good gift.

She's not a friend, she's a provider.

Be really, really, glad you got a wakeup call without hurting yourself more seriously.

Enjoy her services, and don't disappoint yourself by expecting more.